Conversational Jujitsu

"Conversation should touch everything but should concentrate itself on nothing." - Oscar Wilde

You have the clothes. You have the humor. Yet, whenever you talk to a girl, your hands get clammy and your heart skips a beat and you think about her rejection that's right at the tip of her tongue. You start babbling and before you know it, she's lost whatever initial interest she had at the beginning of the conversation and you've blown your chance.

There are no hard and fast rules when you're conversing with a woman. Every situation is different, every person unique. However, there are a couple of guidelines you can keep in mind when you start talking to her.

Conversation can be normally grouped into a 3-tiered structure:

1. Opening
2. Middle
3. Closing

Today, we go into opening.

Opening

1. Do not go in with an objective in mind
The no. 1 pickup line in Singapore is "Hey girl, can I have your number?" You're not Justin Timberlake.



That line only works in glorified hip hop songs by artistes who have one hit and overdose on Valium two days later. No offense to Justin Timberlake, he's a brilliant guy with a good voice and mad swagger.

Never talk to a woman you're interested in with an objective in mind, whether it be getting in her pants or scoring her digits.

Enjoy the conversation. Pick each other's mind and leave knowing you've made someone's day. Women can sense when you have a hidden agenda and their guard goes up immediately the moment you open your mouth.

2. Be bloody interesting
What do you do? What are you studying? Where do you stay?

This are called auto-pilot questions. She goes on auto-pilot when you ask questions that she's been asked multiple times and rattles off the same answers she always gives to other people. She will not be invested in the conversation and her interest level wanes off. Just ask one or two of these to get her warmed up and push off from there.

Ask questions with a bit of cherry sprinkling on top. For instance, instead of:

"What do you like to do?"

It can be:

"So, what does a budding biologist do in her free time?"

It shows you've been paying attention to her.

Instead of: "What's your job?"

It can be:

"What did you want to be when you were ten years old?"

The key here is to entertain. She could be talking to a dozen other people in the room instead of you, so make sure you are the most interesting person that she can possibly be talking to.

3. Stories
Since time immemorial, stories have been the lifeblood of societies. Getting off from guideline number 2, your stories should make her laugh and entertain her. Have a catalog of stories in your brain that you can extract at the opportune moment. They should be funny, interesting and show off your personality. Regale her with stories of travel and plunder. Show her you have a fun side by poking fun at yourself and the mishaps that seem to attract you.

On a related note, never attempt to validate yourself. For example, if you are rich, avoid brand dropping like, "So I was driving my Ferrari the other day..."

A rich man does not have to tell people he's rich.

4. Everyone's favourite topic is themselves
The term for this is chick crack. Some of my favourite things to do is to read the person and guess what she's like and what kind of shows she watches. An example of such show of finesse would be:

"You have two sisters and you're the middle. Your mom is a housewife and your dad works in an MNC. You tell people you like to watch chick flicks but your secret pleasure is actually gratuitous violence and guns."

However, avoid sounding like you're a smart aleck. It's a more playful tone than anything else to get her to open up. Learn a skill like palm reading or handwriting analysis and practise it on her.

In the next post, we'll talk about the middle and the closing and a certain someone called Wayne Elise.

Han

Exploring the planet “Venus”

If ever there was a question; ”How much do you understand about women?” I believe, perhaps, solving a rocket science equation will be much easier.

Women. Don’t you love them and hate them. Maybe it’s because we men are from Mars and they woman, are from Venus, therefore, it is deemed natural that we do not understand them well at all.

Remember the times when you instinctively knew that your girl hinted at you for something she really wanted but when you prodded her about it, “nothing”. Nothing. That is the number 1 common answer that they will reply with and normally, it comes with a really pissed-off expression coupled with rolling eyes and both arms crossed.

That’s true, guys. Most of us do not understand women at all. (If you hear a popping sound, that's probably your ego bursting and I suggest you turn away now.)

The number 1 enemy for us guys is actually our ego. If you recognise it, then we welcome you with arms wide open and let's proceed on together.

Throughout history, the debate and the confusion that men had in the areas of the opposite gender are as complicated as distinguishing an alligator from a crocodile. Many have already given up, leaving it to destiny and alcohol for answers.



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My dear friends, the very action of you staying on to read this post and your subsequent commitment to follow this blog, quite similar to your pursuit of naked Jessica Alba pictures, will be the key to greener pastures. Like the old folks say, “Words whisper, actions scream.” Continue reading this blog and soon, you will be opening your canvas in life where the likes of Michelangelo will start painting on you , just like the ones in the Sistine chapel.

Before we venture forth, let me relate to you a story. I was having a conversation with my female friend on a random day. Apparently, there was this guy in her office that was interested in her romantically and upon hearing news that she was sick, he went out of his way, did his research, travelled far and wide to get her, in his perspective, an elixir and left it on her table. His mind must be thinking, “When she catches sight of this medication, she will be falling head over heels for me.”

As she approached the table and saw the "elixir", she asked, “Who gave this to me?"

“Me,” the suitor replied.

"Erm…, I don’t need it,” she answered.

“Take it, I travelled to...blah,blah,blah," he gleefully responded. (This reply is, in fact another disguised form of begging. When a lady rejects an offer, a real gentleman accepts it as they never disrespect the woman's decision.)

The above scenario ended with her accepting the medicine out of her good-natured character. However, he failed in his pursuit.

Reason being, he made her feel uncomfortable.

They had not even gone out on dates together and he is already making her uneasy. Gentlemen, what are his chances from then on? I believed that from that moment on, Saddam Hussein's odds of regaining back his throne will be even more promising than his chances. (Ed's note: Which is none because he's dead)

In fact, when she confided with me, she said, “What gives him the right to do that? Does he assume that I am a 10 year-old-kid who knows nuts on personal health management.”

Yes, guys, this is the actual, factual, non-fiction, real, solid response she gave.

If you're thinking that this girl is a jerk, hold on to your horses. Have a mini recollection on what was the success rate whenever you went out of your way to surprise a girl? 1 percent? The 1 percent chance you had were actually the girls who dug you when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. Both of you had chemistry together, so the actions you took appeared sweet to them. On the contrary, if they do not dig you and you come to them with all this DRASTIC action, you will be labeled a DESPERATE.

A gentleman never requires approval and attention. They are good. Women love a gentleman. Period.

It’s no longer the survival of the fittest. It’s the survival of the slickest. Don't rush into anything drastic when you have not ascertained her interest level in you first. Wait. Patience is a virtue and for once, listen to your mum.

The truth is that the so called aggressiveness and go-getter attitude that we apply into achieving stuff like a higher position in the company or better grades academically, don’t work on girls. A gentleman is never overbearing towards women, be it physically or emotionally. The most is that they suggest. A gentleman never presses for an answer. Only Hilter presses.

4 things that make a man -

Confidence

Self-control

Class

Humour

These, my friend, will turn you into a broom stick. Guys, we are here to sweep woman off their feet, not be hunters and chase them around. Worst still, some guys simply cling onto girls as if they are a koala bear hugging on to his favourite tree. They are simply put desperate.



Gentlemen, we want them in our arms, not running away from us.

With much complaining done, I am going to introduce the first law to you.

“The female interest level cuts everything.”

I don't have to talk about your interest level because if you are interested, you will be talking about her all the time. However, it is her interest level in you that is of paramount importance. This being, when a woman is interested in you, they make things easy for you. They will laugh at every single corny joke you make and they will reply, "Oh it's ok" for every mistake you make. Taking my story, if my female friend had the hots for her colleague, then she would relate to me, saying, ”Gee, he is such a nice and attentive guy.”

Gentlemen, the female interest level in you cuts everything. If she is interested in you, it's like having a 100m sprint competition with a 3-year-old old kid. It makes perfect sense then that your job is to identify her interest level in you first even before you secretly spy on her Facebook. This will save you time, money and your sanity level.

This is it for an introduction. There will be certain concepts and rules that we will require you to internalise as we introduce them over the coming weeks. Till then.

Men, we are here so that you will become Steve Irwin. From now on, no alligators can disguise itself as a crocodile.

wL

The tao (道) of dry jeans

Ever wondered what is the difference between a condom and a good pair of jeans? The jeans not only offers you protection, it further amplifies your sex appeal (: Now does that ever happen when you put on a condom? A pair of dry jeans is not just an ordinary pair of jeans. It is much more than that. It's a personification of the owner. A pair of dry/raw jeans is an embodiment of what the wearer and his/her sexy ass have been through. Without further ado, let me introduce you to the tao of dry denim and pray that this guide has not come too late for those who has yet to discover the wonder of dry jeans.

Terminology of denim:

Dry/raw denim

Denim fabric that is not washed after production. Denim will gradually fade, providing desirable effects. It is environmental friendly, as it is not artificially treated to create creases and fades. Why pay more to pollute the earth when you can create 100%, man-made and natural fades and creases on your denim?
indigo: the living colour (note the difference in the original colour versus the jeans after one year of frequent wear).

Selvage denim
"type of denim which forms a clean natural edge that does not unravel. selvage is desirable because the edge cannot fray. shuttle looming is a more time-consuming weaving process that produces denim of a tighter weave resulting in a heavier weight fabric that lasts." - Wikipedia

In short: "selvage = more expensive, but ownage - desmond



Weight

Measured in oz. The heavier the denim means the more wear and tear you can take while wearing it to bring out unique characteristics of your jeans. Heavier oz tends to crease lesser though, and you might feel stuffy and less comfy in them (initially), but it will soon feel like a second skin after some time (:<

Honeycomb

Ah, the wonderful marks of nature as you bend/squat/do crunches/swim in the sea/learn muay thai in your jeans. These lovely creases will gradually appear somehow, just be patient (or use more starch).





Sanforized

"Sanforized" is not a type of rice. It means that the jeans you own has a shrink-proof value of under 1%, and will not shrink much after wash. Good stuff.

After all these basic terms, all you need to start is to first get a pair of dry jeans to break into! Some important things to note:

• Dry denim is prone to stretch. For a good fit, try it on. If it fits nicely, get 1-2 sizes down in order for it to fit you nicely when it's stretched out
• Denim size is not equivalent to the circumference of your waist opening. (e.g. size 30 is not equal to 30 inches) Know your size well before buying a pair.
• Recommended period of time you should spend intimately with your jeans before the 1st wash = 6 months. This is to create a more distinct and beautiful fade. Washing any earlier will cause the colour to bleed during the washing period and "average" out the tone of the jeans, which is not good.
• Hand-washing is the best way to shower your "2nd skin" with tender loving care. Wash with cold water if your do not want your jeans to fade too much. It's best to send it to the dry-cleaners for the 1st wash.
• Air your jeans whenever possible. Sun your jeans frequently when not in use if you do not wish for your jeans to be a bacteria factory. Febreze is your best friend!

Denim, like men and fine wine, develops more character and age well. In time, wear and tear will create holes in it. That's perfectly fine, as it allows your sexiness to ooze out from these holes. Ladies will desire (trust me, it happens) to poke you through those holes that are located in naughty positions ;)


Note: If you do not wish to be taken advantage of, you may send your lovely jeans to the tailor for patching.

For those of you who have been enlightened but have yet to experience the wonders of dry jeans, professional help is just a sms away! My friend, make an appointment with Desmond at nine152338six for some nice yet affordable dry denim and be prepared to experience the world from a whole new perspective. Now go forth and channel the sexy denim god from within you!

Des