Tuesday, March 16

6 Driving Etiquettes for the Sexy Man

Now I want you to picture this. Close your eyes. (In your mind. Keep your eyes open to read this article, unless you know some other way.) Consider this scenario.

A hot chick you met earlier gets into your car and asks you to drive her home or to a hotel for a night of passion. You gleefully oblige and shift into first gear. Just as you were exiting the carpark, some asshole old lady steps into the zebra crossing and thankfully, you hit the brakes. She then starts trotting step by step. It seemed apparent to you that by the time she crosses the road, the Iraq war would have been over. So you inch your car a little forward and start to rev the engine a little. "That ought to wake her up," you think silently, growing impatient with each passing second. The asshole old lady looked up at you with a confused face and you give her an annoyed glare. "Come on... Come on..." you mumbled to yourself. And then you honked. The next thing you know, the passenger door slams shut and the seat on your left is empty except for a bit of a cool breeze. Also, the old lady points the middle finger at you. "What the hell?"

Now, open your brain-eyes and slap yourself if this has this ever happened to you. Slap yourself again for not slapping yourself hard the first time. Now I know those of you who are going all like "No way man, I'm always at my best behavior on the roads! I'm a safe driver and never had any accidents!" Slap yourself. No matter how perfect we'd like to think we are, we all commit the occasional driving faux pas every once in a while (myself included). Don't believe me? Read on...

#1 Tailgating

Some of you like to feel that you have the ability to pilot your vehicle with a safety distance to the next car of only the thickness of the latest Samsung LED TV.


Sorry to break the news to you, but unless you're Hiro Nakamura, master of time and space, or you come from a planet that defies the very laws of physics, you are most likely going to end up in an accident sooner or later. Also, Einstein, Newton and Galileo are probably going to gather around your battered ass and say, "See? I told you so."

Riding behind the bumper of another car is not going to take you to your location any sooner. If anything, it will just make the driver in front get nervous or irritated. The habit of driving too closely to the vehicle in front topped the list of the most-hated road habits, the survey from automotive repair company Kwik-Fit found. There have been cases of taxi drivers who deliberately jam brake and then later claim insurance and health benefits from their company and the company then comes after you.

Now I understand your desire to drive faster because there are hot naked girls waiting for you in your bed, but it doesn't make a difference whether you are driving 2cm or 2 car lengths away from the front vehicle. It's still the same speed! Your destination is not going to go anywhere else! It'll still be there when you reach. So for god's sake stop sniffing the rear of other vehicles and just pull back 2 car lengths.

And then some prick tells me, "But if I always pull to 2 car lengths away, another car will then cut in front of me and I have to back off further until the next car cuts me again!" Which brings me to the topic...

#2 Not letting other cars merge

Amongst Hitler's massacre of the Jews, Madoff's Ponzi scheme and Kanye West crashing Taylor's acceptance speech, not letting other cars merge into your lane is also one of the biggest dick moves to pull.

Yo, I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish.
But I have one of the best dick moves OF ALL TIMES!

Do all cars have to prove their worth to you in a bare-knuckle fist fight in order to 'earn' the right to cut in front of you? The roads aren't race tracks and there is no need to 'defend your lane' by warding off every car that so much as drives beside you. Not only will your girl look at you as a self-centered jerk who will refuse to give way during future conflicts, you're also being a potential road hazard.

Also, what if that driver needed to cut into your lane or he'll miss his exit and the next exit is 10km away? It's like during that one marathon where you ran 41km and then tripped over a rock and busted your knee. Only this time, busting the knee meant missing the exit. And the rock was a dick. And the dick was you.

#3 Honking/Flashing headlights at a traffic light junction

If you were in a queue behind someone at the mall, would you start screaming at the back of their head to move as soon as the line starts to crawl a little? Of course you wouldn't! It's just bad etiquette and you know it! So what gives drivers the right to honk at cars, particularly those at the front of the queue, the moment the lights flash green? What are you trying to prove? That you've the fastest reaction in the whole world? That if you were at the front instead of him, you would be miles ahead by now?

It's like walking up to someone and declaring to play 'tag' and immediately say 'TAG!! You're it!" and then run away like a pussy. It's childish.

Sure if the guy was sleeping on the wheel or busy making out with his girl, go ahead and go nuts with that honk/high beam of yours. Have an all-you-can-honk-buffet if you'd like! Honk with your hands/elbows/nose or even ass if you'd like to. But all I'm saying is, just give him a second or two before you start declaring to the whole world that the guy in front is wasting your precious time. (Like you'd be doing anything productive with it in the first place.)

Speaking of time wasting...

#4 Slowing down for 4-D numbers or for glimpses of dead people

The number one most common cause of a traffic holdup is due to an accident that happened. The second most common cause is due to idiots who slow down to look at the accident. The third is due to accidents that happen because these idiots were paying attention at the accident scene instead of the fucking road. The accident scene doesn't need your 'expert' opinion. It doesn't need your approval whether or not they deserved it. It doesn't need your assessment of the situation. And it certainly does not need you as a witness.

How would you like if five miles of vehicles, lined up bumper to bumper, slowed down to gloat at your misery before speeding off?

And don't give the bull-excrement that slower speed theoretically means safer speeds, because it's probably already safe to pass the accident scene by the time you reach there. Response units have already cleared the carnage and redirected traffic flow even before you could reach for that itch at your butt-crack. So don't go putting the blame on poor ol' safety when it was clearly your bitch-of-an-inquisitive nature that got the better of you.

Pictured: You as the horny deer. The accident scene is under the skirt.

#5 Not using turn signals

Remember the time when the whole road was yours to roam? There were no laws or rules that govern whenever or wherever you want to turn/stop to take a pee. You could swerve left and ride whenever you wanted to and people didn't care if they knew where you were going. You do? Well then you must either be a cowboy in the 1860s or a really really bad driver who doesn't even know the function of turn signals.

The act of extending the right index finger and flicking it up or down is so excruciatingly painful to some, that they would rather forgo it than to warn other road users of when they are about to go Initial-D.

"My finger hurts so much that I can't signal but I can do this!" *tyres screech*

Those bright little flickering lights aren't actually for you to show off to your raver pals but they actually serve a purpose - to inform others of your intentions! I know right?! Who could have guessed! The simple act of signaling when you want to change lanes or make a turn could have prevented so many near misses we see on the road everyday! What an awesome awesome invention!

#6 Overtaking and then flipping off

The road is a cold, ugly, unfeeling place incapable of showing any emotions. It does not care if you're driving a Ferrari or a Toyota Prius. It does not show mercy or pity. It knows none of these feeble feelings. And every now and then, as if to display its authority, it sends a speeding automobile that overtakes you and flips you off.

You just got flipped by the Ghost Flipper

The Ghost Flipper is said to have no soul. It does not have a conscience. It does not require food like you or me to survive. Instead, it thrives on the act of overtaking slower cars, flipping them off and then speeding off with blood-curdling laughter and a smirk on its skeletal face. The roads are his playground and you are nothing but mere pawns in his game of chess.

Some say he is the reincarnation of a boy who had a lonely and neglected childhood causing him to grow up with behavior what most people consider to be jerk-like. Others claimed the Ghost Flipper actually made a deal with the Devil himself to roam the roads in search of hapless victims to overtake and flip off, all in the name of 'showing off'. In return, the Devil promised him all the riches he could imagine. (Which is actually just enough for road taxes and speeding fines.)

The Ghost Flipper thinks of himself as a 'bad-ass mofo'. He believes no one can match his elite driving skills and those who do not, deserves to be ridiculed by the act of the extension of one of his digits. Also, he is convinced girls will flock after him whenever he pulls off such a 'bad-ass' act.

What he does not realize, is that people actually pity him and chicks do not dig pompous fascists, who like to tailgate and refuse to give way, slow down and honk unnecessarily at people's miseries, and don't know what signal lights are for.



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