Fuck yeah...
In our mission to educate men from all walks of life, I present to you this unique and versatile word. Fuck.
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6 scenarios you'll find yourself compelled to blurt out the F-word
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So, it was a Saturday night, you and your pal, Vincent, decided to hang out at the local bar/pub, just like all other losers in town do (and also because this week's Saturday night movie on Channel 5 sucked. Loser.)
You take the train down to Clarke Quay station where both of you had arranged to meet. On the journey, you started thinking about when was the last time you and Vincent met. Heck you realized you don't even know a whole lot about Vincent.
He was from my Secondary school... right?
Does he have a girl-friend?
Of course not.
Why the hell would he hang out with me on Saturdays if he had a girlfriend.
But that Facebook picture of him and that blonde...
Ooo... that girl standing across has nice boobs...
Oh yea about Vincent.
Is he working? Schooling?
Shit. Who the hell is this guy I'm hanging out with?
Is he even capable of dragging my ass out when I get shit drunk and start taunting the bouncer?
Wait... what does he even look li-
Oh yes! She dropped her file! Wait for it... Wait for it... YES!! She's bending over to pick up that file or whatever! Yes! Did she dropped it on purpose so that she can show me her boobies? Should I go approach her and compliment her on those awesome boobies.
those awesome boobies
Suddenly, as if to get you out of your pervert thoughts, you feel a smack on your back and hear,
"Hey, Brian! How the Fuck have you been!"
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#1. Fuck can be used as a greeting
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Yeap. That's the Vincent you remembered for being notoriously vulgar. There he stood, all 5 feet and 200 pounds of him. He looked like the kind who would wrestle alligators in the morning just to get his heart pumping. Instead of eating bread and toast in the morning, he would eat the bread toaster and the coffee maker. He also happens to be the only person you ever knew who punctuates sentences with the word 'fuck'. If the word 'fuck' was sprinklers and confetti, we'd be having a party right now. And if the party was a sex party, I would invite the girl across with the awesome rack.
-Smacks-
"Ouch! What the fuck was that for?"
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#2. Fuck can be used to express pain
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"I said how are you man?"
"Yea, I was fine until you smacked me..."
(You whined, rubbing your hands on your head to check if there were any contusions. Yeap. Vincent is definitely able to drag your ass out of the pub if you start messing around with the bouncers.)
"Well, you were in a daze and your hands were rubbing at your groin."
"What? No i was not- I uh- I was- uh- sex party- Never mind. Hey so tonight huh? Like old times?"
"Fuck yea~ Like old-fucking times!"
(Vincent raised his hand up for a high-five but to avoid a broken/fractured wrist, you clap your hands together in an awkward manner and started to turn towards the direction of the pub.)
"Oh...kay... Let's just go there huh?
About fuckin-time!"
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#3. To tell the time (note the omission of the letter 'g' in the word 'fuckin'
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The city lights stood out with a busy constellation of streets and houses, while luxury cars weaved their way around the inverted sky. It was impossible to make sense of, except for the main strip, a single entity of light and noise. Crowds of youngsters swaggered towards the red neon lights like zombies attracted to flesh and brains except the brains in this case meant boobs while flesh meant... yea just flesh.
Brains...Moments later you found yourselves in a bar, beer mug in one hand while your other hand occasionally came out of your pocket to scratch that itch that was never really there in the first place. Beads of sweat formed around your temples despite of the air-conditioner blasting you in the face.
'If anyone asks me why I am perspiring, I'll reply to them 'because I'm too hot' and then wink at them cheekily' you tell yourself... but after a whole thirty minutes of standing like a wooden block, the most you got was a 2 second glance - which came from the bartender who wanted the empty beer mug back.
In short, you, the geek, found yourself thrown in a socially awkward situation. You stood still, feeling like a lost kid whose parents brought you along to their social gathering with high school friends. You felt a nudge and you see Vincent pointing his chin towards his left.
"Hey, check out that hot chick!"
"Which hot chick?" you reply, wiping some sweat off from your forehead. "Is she perspiring too?"
"What? No! That one over there!" Vincent edges his chin towards the left a little more. "at the couch." She's so fucking hot! I would gladly give 5 years of my life just to be her boyfriend."
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#4. As an indicator of extreme standards
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You see a group of girls. But only one stood out. Tall and lean with a figure like a Victorian model. Long wavy brown hair that had an extra bounce whenever she turned her head. Her poise and posture told the story of a ballroom dancer. She wore a white party dress with a plunging neckline. She was so hot that when she smoked a cigarette, she didn't need a lighter. She was so hot the reason the universe is expanding is because she is arousing it.
Mustering your courage, you decided to give it a shot. Because hey, what have you got to lose yea? Who knows what could happen? I mean like, whats the worse that could happen?
Your strides were wide. Your chest was high. You walked up to this babe. Remembering the material you read from sixguys, you delivered your approach.
"Hey babe, would you like to come over to my place and check out my cat doing back-flips?"
-Oh wait a mi- was that how it's suppose to be?! Crap! I've totally fucked this up for the 26th time!
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#5. To make a botch of something; blunder
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Your heart slowly sank as you prepared for rejection, you feel the sweat dripping down your neck as you braced yourself for a slap or worse, a kick in the nuts.
"Hmmm... Okay."
"Huh? Wha- Okay? You mean like it was an 'Okay' pickup line or 'Okay, you won't kick me in the nuts'? or..."
"Lets go over to your place to check out that cat of yours!"
You cannot believe your ears! It must have been all the accumulated karma you earned buying the karma-tissues from street peddlers! Or perhaps the stars have come together to align and created for you a perfect storm of sexual attraction (sextraction)!
Moments flashed by and all you could remember were stills of your sexual adventures. Like a silent movie.
This is the best sex scene we could provide due to violations of terms of agreement.
The next morning came. The sun shone brightly through the frosted glass, sprinkling beams of shimmering soft light across the walls, as though someone had sprinkled glitter from above creating a beautiful masterpiece. It felt strangely unusual for a November morning, as although the day was bright, the air remained icy cold.
You awoke with a wide victorious smile from the noise of the the flowing of water from the bathroom tap followed by the sounds of a elegant lady peeing in your toilet. A woman in your bedroom toilet. Yes, you like how the words had a zing to it because the only other woman who ever stepped into your toilet was your mom and she swore never again. Out of curiosity or your perverse nature, you leaned across your bed to take a peek at your prize of the night.
Oh Fuck...
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#6. To depict how deep in shit you are
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You phone rang and you answered, still in a state of shock but it all became apparent to you as you heard Vincent on the other end of the line hysterically laughing.
"How'd you like the Roofies in your beer Mr. Homo?"
zw
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