Sunday, January 10

The Legend of Filbert

And so you've asked. Or at least you've heard. What exactly is this legend of Filbert? There are a several versions of it at least. Some of them may have been exaggerated, some of them may have been toned down just so your mind wouldn't be blown into smithereens. But here, I give you.
Legend 1. The chase (by 10000 ah-bengs)
What's the most badass thing you've ever seen a man do? Crack a cinder block with his fist? Catch a crossbow bolt with his bare hands? Chew bubble gum with his ass cheeks? Well take that shit and multiply it by about a thousand, and you'll have the kind of things that Filbert does.

Filbert was there on that fateful day, running. Running away from ah-bengs (Hokkien term for gangsters). Don't ask me what he did that he had to run away from. He didn't really tell us either so we were forced to presume that he either did a german suplex on the ah-beng boss, or he was waving his dick at the ah-beng boss.

At first there were a couple of vulgarity-hurling, parang-wielding ah-bengs. Maybe in the dozens. Then came a lorry load of them. Filbert just continued running. The chase by then had spanned over five bus stops and the ah-bengs were growing exponentially. Some ah-bengs had given up but more were joining in the chase after hearing news that their gang leader had just been blinded by the radioactive rays from Filbert's dong.

By now, Filbert's pursuers have already grown in the thousands. Ten-fucking-thousand to be exact. Statically speaking, Filbert's running speed can only be matched one in every ten thousand runners.

Filbert by now, taking pity on all the ah-bengs decided to stop them from chasing and hopped on a bus (which presumably was on the move while he hopped on). He then went to the back of the bus and watched as the army of ten thousand panting ah-bengs slowly vanished into the horizon. And also to give them the middle finger.
Legend 2 (The pursuit)
Remember that night your ah-beng friend had a fever and was having a nightmare? You didn't know what he was dreaming about but all you could hear was him mumbling,
"No... Don't let him catch me... No... Must keep.. running..."
Your ah-beng friend probably was involved in this legend I'm about to unravel.

There, in some broken abandoned warehouse, were approximately 10000 ah-bengs just chilling out, smoking pot, discussing about which ah-lian is hot, and doing what ah-bengs do best. Like in a cowboy movie or a really bad 'man walks into the bar' joke, Filbert slammed the door wide opened and walked into the warehouse.

The whole warehouse went dead silent and everybody's heads were turned and focused on the intruder. Filbert took a step forward with his dusty boots paused. Before he even said a word, one of the ah-bengs broke the silence and screamed "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

And the 10000 ah-bengs, scared shit-less, ran with all their might as Filbert gave chase. The first few ah-bengs who made it out of the backdoor first, reportedly told that they could hear bloodcurdling screams followed by bone crunching and snapping coming out from the warehouse.

Some quick-witted ah-bengs hopped on to buses and lorries to which Filbert also gave chase. The story ends at the point which Filbert gave his victory roar and also to serve as a warning to the surviving ah-bengs, not to fuck around with him.

"Don't fuck with me!"



Post a Comment